Yes my fellow Americans, the moment you’ve long dreamed of is finally here. Today I announce my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States.
As you know, I didn’t want to run, but have been forced to by unfortunate events in the Democratic primaries.
The first thing that happened was that Senator Elizabeth Warren mentioned nuclear weapons one day in response to a question from a nosy reporter. As you’ll recall, I didn’t get upset, and let that one go. It was just one mention after all, which is I suppose an excusable mistake. And you know those gals, they say the darnest things sometimes, don’t they? And they’re so cute with their little “me too” parties and such.
But just when I thought the crisis had passed, Senator Bernie Sanders got sucked in by another one of those fakey news nosy reporter people and he mentioned the words “nuclear weapons” twice. Twice!
Look! See? There he is! Mentioning! Proof!
It then became clear that this was going to be a naughty words arms race that had to be stopped dead in it’s tracks before voters start focusing on the most awesome power of the Presidency.
So I took action, and publicly rebuked Senator Sanders for his loose tongue!
“Look Sanders”, I said, “WWII is over, and we won. The Japanese have stopped fighting and are now, um, making cars or something. So cut out all this talk about nuclear weapons! Two mentions! Enough already!”
He didn’t seem to get it, so I kept going. “The Cuban Missile Crisis is over too Sanders, and Kennedy fixed all that, so we can stop worrying about it.”
Now I’m worked up in to rage and I yelled at Sanders, “The cold war is over! The Russians gave up and went back to Russia or something! Get over it!!”
And no sooner do I launch my own campaign for the Presidency than yet another pesky little nosy reporter asked me this…
“If you are elected you may be called upon to incinerate millions of innocent people based on limited information and almost no warning. Are you prepared to do that?”
What is wrong with all these people??? So we have thousands of hydrogen bombs aimed down our own throats, and a single human being can end modern civilization with the press of a button.
So what? It’s been this way for awhile and nothing bad has happened, so nothing ever will. If we just forget about nuclear weapons they’ll go away, and everything will be fine.
So my fellow Americans, this is my pledge to you. From this moment forward I will no longer be mentioning nuclear weapons or the most awesome power of the Presidency like all those other candidates have done a time or two.
Vote for me so we can finally focus on Donald Trump’s orange hair and all those other silly little issues that don’t matter a single bit!!
Look at that hair! Impeach him! No more years!